I have been writing this post in my head for over a month. Just constantly brainstorming ideas about what I should and shouldn’t say. Then, when it comes time to sit and write, I freeze. This topic is very sensitive to many people. I do not want to say the wrong thing, give the wrong impression, offend, or trigger anyone. I am not a professional dietician, counselor, wellness guru, or anything like that. I have a story and I want to share it in the hopes it may help somebody else.

In high school, like many, I had an eating disorder. I am not going to get into the details of that because who I was in high school is an entirely separate post. I will say, when I went to college, I thought I was “cured.” I found food freedom, ate what I wanted, didn’t exercise, and stayed skinny. I attribute it to genes and working a lot of hours as a waitress in a fast paced environment. When I graduated college and started my first desk job, my anxieties around food and body image started to creep back up.

Through my 20’s I tried every diet. Some extreme, some moderate, but every time someone suggested a new “great idea” for staying skinny, I was on board. I am not going to go into all of the diets and “tricks” that I tried because I do not want to trigger anyone, but just know I tried them all. Did I need to lose weight? No! I was just terrified of gaining weight. No longer being active all day at my waitressing job had me so scared and anxious. It is so funny, because I was tiny. So tiny. But I always felt fat. I would eat one Oreo, feel immense shame, then eat 10 more in guilt. Then it became a weekly routine of dieting super hard during the week and binging on the weekends (or whenever I made a tiny slip in my diet). This pattern is what led to my quest for food freedom. I was sick of the bingeing and shame and guilt.

I searched the internet for books and articles about freedom from the diet/binge cycle. I immersed myself in that literature and unfollowed all of the “Thinspo” accounts on Instagram. I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I practiced listening to my body’s hunger and fullness cues. All of this did not happen overnight. It took (and is still taking) years. Constant practice and slip-ups, followed by positive self-talk and giving myself grace led me to where I am now.

The final turning point for me was finding a fitness routine that I actually LOOKED FORWARD to. When I started CrossFit 6 years ago, I was nervous I was going to get “too big.” Guess what, I have gotten a little bit bigger. I have gained weight. I have also gotten stronger, more confident, and more capable. The combination of finding freedom with food and engaging in workouts that empower me has been pivotal in my self-esteem and worth. I no longer measure myself by pounds and inches, but by strength and speed. I compete with myself every day and am motivated not by weight loss, but by the urge to be better than I was yesterday. This is not a PSA for CrossFit by any means, but encouragement to find something you enjoy doing. For some that is yoga, for others it is running or walking. Something that makes you feel good in your own skin and gives you something to focus on other than the number on the scale.

I do not think anyone is immune to the diet culture screaming in our face every day. Everywhere you turn, there is a new product or program promising to “change your life” or a friend who always wants to tell you about her new diet. I have days where I look in the mirror and still feel like I want to lose x amount of pounds. Then I remind myself that the number on the scale or on the tag of my clothes does not define my worth. Some people can do a weight loss or diet challenge and resume to normal eating afterward. I am not one of those people. I know myself well enough to know that any sort of food restrictions lead me to a dark and bingey place. I never want to be in that place again. Instead, I listen to my body and strive for balance. I engage in challenges with myself that are positive, such as trying to drink more water, or trying to improve my endurance in running. All of these things have led me to a place where I am more confident in my skin than I ever was at my smallest size.

So if you are stuck in the constant diet/binge cycle and are getting down on yourself, I just want you to know you are not alone. This is a battle that takes energy, time, and self-love, but I promise you it is worth it. Of course, if you feel completely lost and hopeless, please reach out to a professional. There is no shame in seeking help. I am also happy to recommend books and influencers that are body-positive.

I could write on this topic for pages and pages. I also realize there are many people in many different circumstances with unique health backgrounds/concerns. This story is mine and may not apply to everyone. At the end of the day, all I want is to encourage people to love and accept themselves just the way they are. Life is short, eat the cake!